Criminal cultists sacrifice doppelganger in jail

The accidental surrealism of the internet is a steady source of joy.  Today's example comes from Google News, where they've flagged stories about or by people sharing my same name.  The headlines seem to describe some horrible crime story, or a Gothic event:

Three men arrested in van theft still in jail
Caught in the Act!
CULTS NET TENSE WIN TO SEAL THE DOUBLE

You can read the original stories (sources 1, 2 3), but the headlines are far better with their suggestive powers.