Consider the life-sized Barbie doll. Would she - it - take kindly to being displaced from a family's life? Mark Leyner reveals his horrific tale.
Yes, I suppose you could say she's an evil zombie doll who led our family to madness. But, damn it, she's our evil zombie doll. We adore her. And we're never, ever going to abandon her.
It's a Christmas story, of sorts:
She is now the unrivaled centerpiece of our Christmas tradition. On Christmas Eve we keep her in a special "secret detention room." (We worry that Santa, because of his facility for seeing into the souls of all things, might discern in Jessica Lynn Cohen something irredeemably bad, and be frightened off before he has a chance to deliver our presents.)
I love the way Oprah.com offers helpful, interlinear suggestions for further reading:
Oprah.com: How to stretch your dollars this Christmas
Oprah.com: Get organized and tame the holiday madness
Oprah.com: How to start a new holiday tradition
No sex toy ads, of course. Nor links to Twilight Zone episodes. Or anti-anxiety medication.
(thanks to my wife, who claims to have no such doll)