Were you one of those children who wanted to camp overnight in your family's yard (if you had one)? The Onion resurrects this sweet bit of personal history, in order to pry loose the pit of shrieking horror underneath.
"We now have definitive proof that most children who camp out in their yards will die a horrific death," said Kathleen Sebelius, secretary of health and human services. "Whether it's a sudden wolf attack, an escaped mental patient, or just Old Man Greenly, who lost his hand in a gruesome mill accident and now seeks his bloody revenge, young boys and girls rarely live to see their parents or friends again."
It's all good.
In 29 percent of all recorded cases, young campers were chopped up into tiny pieces by fugitive axe murderers. While a shocking 32 percent of kids, snacking on potato chips and candy bars, awakened the ghost of a little baby boy named Jeremy.
According to the study, 100 percent of all children tried to scream and yell for help, but nothing came out.
"Though a terrifying scenario, kids should not worry too much about the prospect of being attacked by killer ghosts," said Dr. Howard Fredericks, the study's chief researcher and a professor of forensic biology at Columbia University. "Especially since our data suggests they're three times more likely to be kidnapped by the Very Lonely Woman Who Lives in the Woods."
"She's this horrible-looking woman with scabs all over her face who had her children taken away by the state," Fredericks continued. "She now roams across the suburbs at night, crying and wailing, and mistaking young kids playing inside their tents for her own."
Read on, and sleep tight, kids!