PLAGUE of SEX CRAZED MONSTER GRASSHOPPERS to hit East Coast
The never-subtle Register goes on to add in subtitle:
Red-eyed, noisy-as-MOTORBIKES insect ORGY imminent
The cicada swarm is of a variety Gothically labeled "Brood II":
Billions of cicadas are hatching out of the ground and swarming across the eastern seaboard looking for love. They have been sighted around the East Coast but numbers are expected to swell to biblical proportions in the coming days...
Triggered by hormones, they will become adults before having huge orgies in front of horrified East Coast residents.
Inevitably, it's being called Swarmageddon. But it's all overblown, as the big bugs don't actually hurt humans, animals, or crops.