These are the demands and sayings of Lee: on the Discovery gunman's writing

Apparently one man has seized hostages in the Discovery Channel's main offices in the Washington. DC area.  A single Web page has been bruited about as the alleged gunman's list of demands.

I hope these really are the guy's demands, because this document is terrific. (Link to our copy, because that site seems to be down)  Reading this out loud I caught myself unconsciously imitating the voice of Invader Zim.

Here are some highlights, quickly assembled:

These are the demands and sayings of Lee...

Saving the environment and the remaning species diversity of the planet is now your mindset. Nothing is more important than saving them. The Lions, Tigers, Giraffes, Elephants, Froggies, Turtles, Apes, Raccoons, Beetles, Ants, Sharks, Bears, and, of course, the Squirrels.

The humans? The planet does not need humans....

Yes, "and, of course, the Squirrels."

"My Demands" is also supreme fan fiction, or at least the most creative boost to reading we've seen all year:

"The Discovery Channel and it's affiliate channels MUST have daily television programs at prime time slots based on Daniel Quinn's "My Ishmael" pages 207-212...

Which doesn't mean the author isn't a critic:

"Focus must be given on how people can live WITHOUT giving birth to more filthy human children since those new additions continue pollution and are pollution. A game show format contest would be in order... Do both. Do all until something WORKS and the natural world starts improving and human civilization building STOPS and is reversed! MAKE IT INTERESTING SO PEOPLE WATCH AND APPLY SOLUTIONS!!!!"

I would gladly pay to see that game show, anywhere. 

Other passages are furious, reminiscent of the mad prophet tradition:

Civilization must be exposed for the filth it is. That, and all its disgusting religious-cultural roots and greed. Broadcast this message until the pollution in the planet is reversed and the human population goes down! This is your obligation. If you think it isn't, then get hell off the planet! Breathe Oil!

Filth is quite the focus:

Programs must be developed to find solutions to stopping ALL immigration pollution and the anchor baby filth that follows that...FIND SOLUTIONS FOR THEM TO STOP THEIR HUMAN GROWTH AND THE EXPORTATION OF THAT DISGUSTING FILTH!

At times Lee (or whoever the author is) sounds like a grumpy old man, furious at the fallen state of this kid-ridden world:

Also, war must be halted. Not because it's morally wrong, but because of the catastrophic environmental damage modern weapons cause to other creatures. FIND SOLUTIONS JUST LIKE THE BOOK SAYS! Humans are supposed to be inventive. INVENT, DAMN YOU!!...

Find solutions for Global Warming, Automotive pollution, International Trade, factory pollution, and the whole blasted human economy.

Emphases added.  Caps and exclamation marks are all in original.

Comments

[Andy Havens]

As of about 5:30, the guy's dead. Shot by police. No hostages harmed.

Thus endeth the lesson.